What People Say On Their CV, Vs. What They Mean

1. “Dynamic” – No-one knows what this means. Writing it down anyway.
2. “Accustomed to thinking outside the box” – Sometimes I use pink AND yellow highlighter pens.
3. “Committed to fostering a creative environment” – I bloody love flipcharts.
4. “Serial entrepreneur” – My businesses keep failing.
5. “Visionary” – I think I’m wonderful.
6. “Intensely results focused” – Shark-eyed psychopath who is gunning for your job.
7. “Unflappable” – My response to most things: ¯_(ツ)_/¯.
8. “Team player” – This should set me apart from all the anti-social loners who apply for the job.
9. “I’m detail-oriented” – As opposed to those people who despise detail of all kinds.
10. “I work well in a group” – Bet you’ve never heard that one before.
11. “High emotional intelligence” – I will spend most lunchtimes crying in the toilets.
12. “Inspirational leadership style” – Everyone hates me.
13. “I’m passionate about…” – I will now bullshit outrageously on the subject of…”
14. “Looking for a new challenge” – About to be fired.
15. “Highly motivated” – Desperate.
16. “I’m enthusiastic” – I will suggest all manner of annoying team-bonding exercises.
17. “Hobbies include…” – I haven’t quite filled a side of A4 yet, so…
18. “Reading, watching films, and socialising” – Don’t act like you’re not intrigued.
19. “Energetic” – As opposed to being sluggish and indolent.
20. “Committed” – Will turn up to work most days, hangovers permitting.
21. “Proactive” – I do stuff.
22. “I have a wide range of skills” – I’m not very good at anything.
23. “Punctual” – I get in ten minutes early to steal all the nice biscuits.
24. “I bring out the best in people” – I’m so lazy everybody else has to work twice as hard.
25. “Proficient in a wide range of information technologies, including Microsoft Word” – I cannot think of anything to write here.
26. “Creative powerhouse” – Nobody is as good at nicking other people’s ideas as me.
27. “Have become an invaluable member of the team” – Nobody else knows how to unblock paper jams in the photocopier.
28. “Driven” – I maintain inbox zero with an obsessive zeal that will make you fear for my sanity.
29. “Intense” – Dreadful wanker.
30. “I’m a people person” – I’m that guy who asks everyone to gather round and awkwardly sing happy birthday to you at your desk.
31. “I’m a perfect fit for the team” – I haven’t actually met the team yet but…
32. “I’m a problem solver” – I will find supposed problems where none exist.
33. “Strong interpersonal skills” – Capable of handling most workplace situations without headbutting anyone or calling them a tosser.
34. “I’m a born organiser” – I love scheduling pointless meetings.
35. “I’m creative” – I love scheduling pointless brainstorms.
36. “I’m professional” – I love creating pointless spreadsheets.
37. “I’m easygoing and laid back” – You don’t expect me to do actual work, do you?
38. “I’m fun and outgoing” – I think this is a dating profile.
39. “References available upon request” – Praying you don’t request references.
40. “I’m always looking for new challenges” – I’ve failed all my previous challenges.
41. “Social media skills” – I tweet a lot.
42. “Social media expert” – I manually RT wisdom by other people in a shameless bid to garner retweets.
43. “Formidable social media presence” – I bought a shit ton of followers.
44. “Video editing skills” – Once spent an afternoon dicking around with iMovie.
45. “I’m keen to focus on the next stage of my career” – I’ve shagged everybody in this office and now I need an escape plan.
46. “Achievements include…” – I will now take credit for things that happened at my company that actually had nothing to do with me.
47. “Experience working in a fast-paced environment” – Rarely fall asleep at my desk these days.
48. “Fluent in…” – “Dimly remember a smattering of…”
49. “Communications director” – I get paid an insane amount of money for taking people out to lunch.
50. “PR executive” – I send a lot of emails that journalists ignore.
51. “PR director” – I phone up journalists and ask them why they ignored the emails.
52. “Strategist” – Bullshitter.
53. “Analyst” – Pie chart specialist.
54. “Chief Evangelist” – LOL not even I know what I get paid for.
55. “Management consultant” – I go into companies and write long reports telling them to sack the people they had already decided to sack anyway.
56. “Client-facing creative synergies” – These words sound pretty good together, right?
57. “Delivering multi-platform, full-stack content solutions” – Please don’t ask me to explain what this entails.
58. “Rock star” – Huge douche.
59. “Contact me at davidhthomas@hotmail.com” – I still think it’s the ’90s.
60. “My application takes the form of a viral video…” – Delete, delete, delete.
61. “I like to work hard and play hard” – I am worse than Hitler.

Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/what-people-say-on-their-cv-vs-what-they-mean

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What People Say On Their CV, Vs. What They Mean

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